Heartbreak...Possible loss of love, I was avoiding writing about this because the idea of ever feeling NEEDY, HEARTBROKEN, OR DEPENDANT, have all been emotions I've always run from, I prefer a dreamy life of constant happiness while you on the other hand have spent the majority of your life as an adult avoiding letting anyone love you. Well love in the strictly romantic sense. In the beginning, I don't know that it had all that much to do with rejection, but more fear of codependancy. Losing self reliance. Fear that LOVE would in fact find it's way to nuzzle in between you and your dreams and therefore work as a barrier. And to you, the ability to rely on self was enough. Until YOU decided to love, until you decided to BE that person "in love". To actually, fully, completely, be taken by another person and allow space between yourself and dreams, figuring that if it were real, nothing else mattered.
When it comes to our friendship it has always been love, because with friendship- it's unconditional. With romantic love, ideally, it should be unconditional...but there's a sense of fear in romatic relationships: fear of losing, fear or heartbreak, fear of disappointment, fear of losing yourself etc. With us, those fears aren't there...you know, no matter what, that you'll remain YOU, and I'll remain me...we'll always be two complete and WHOLE individuals, benefiting from one another rather than taking away from one another.
With fear involved the ability to rationalise, not become too needy, not worry yourself into sleepless nights or change yourself in order to "keep" someone, becomes a constant...out of fear of loss. Fear changes all logical thinking, whether is fear of losing or fear of commiting. Fear fixes an idea in your head, a pessimitic and stubborn idea. The road you're on , or the person you're with become fear's warped version.
Without communication, full, complete and honest communication and truth, it's difficult to know where one another stands. And that is where the fear sets in. And too often relationships come to an end from ill communication and worry.
So rather than letting romantic love....this magnificent emotion, just be, there's a desire to grip. So that you won't get hurt. So you won't have to experience loss. It isn't just a person you're losing but a significant piece of yourself, a you that only THEY know. An unfiltered, raw version of you. The you that is open and warm,without rules, without limitation on HOW MUCH to love, how much to give and wanting so badly, to be unconditional...and wanting them in turn, to be unconditionally in love with you.
With love there is risk. Ideally, all love should be received- realistically, it is not. So do you choose to avoid love? Regret it? No. Of course not.
You could become bitter, say f*ck that, not again. But I know you realise that it wouldn't serve you, in any way, it only makes the loss more painful. So are you hurt? Absolutely. Apprehensive about the future, about men? Absolutely. Do you have questions, do you wake up and say "what the fuuuuck??" every morning? Yep. You do. Do you wish things were different? YES. Do you wonder if there will ever, be anybody that will compare to him, make you FEEL that again? YES. Constantly. But, would you erase it...would you change all of that mixed up, ecstatic, hopeful, frenzied, confusing, sincere, uncenscored, and TREMENDOUS feelings, that was and is undoubtedly love? NO. You wouldn't change a thing. And though there's a piece, a whole large piece that he has, only he knows, and only he will ever know- I know you wouldn't ask for it back. I would only hope he would cherish it, recognise it. Unconditionally.
Wounds become scars and scars heal. And fear has no place next to love.
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