Weight Indecency, confessions of an overweight girl
This is a blog about my candid yet truthful accounts of my struggle with weight. How it started and why it remains the most challenging aspect of my life. I hope that readers can identify with it, learn from it and be inspired to transform their bodies into what they deserve to be.
I take my phone with me to the bathroom. Do you or anyone you know do that? Is it just me? Am I the only one who's self obsessive enough to think that the world will explode if they cannot get hold of me even if it is only a mere minute or half that I’m going to the bathroom? I honestly don’t know why I think I’m that important, but I know I am judging by the way my friend Thembi gets all wrapped up in a tangle when I miss her calls which I admit I never return promptly, then proceed later to call her hubby whom I have a lot of business chats with. Now I do return her call, just not promptly but by that time she's called me all sorts of nasty names which even a free for all blog like mine cannot admit to. What I'm saying I've grown to create this brand in me that people simply cannot wait to chat.
Now today as I took the iPhone to the bathroom it plummeted down the loo hole and I actually saw it sliding off my thighs but I guess there were just not enough time to save it.
Intuition is such a strange feeling, it's like the 6th sense for real. Something so real and tangible you can almost taste it. I knew from a young age, as we all do if we’re tuned into ourselves and our intuition when things just didn’t feel right...
For the past few days I’ve been wrestling with this feeling of unrest, attempting to find the “rightness” in where I am in this moment. Constantly feeling unsettled is driving me to the brink of insanity. I should be happy because in all honesty the world has been my oyster, but yet I have this tingling sensation that I'm not quiet where I should be in my life, weight and career.
Just for a moment I’d like to shut it off, forget the “big picture,” and convince myself that I don’t need to keep searching for fulfillment. You know just loose myself in a few days of drinking and pure indulgence and quiet that voice that keeps telling me there’s more out there.
Yesterday as I was spewing all this craziness out to anyone that would listen, my mom shed some much-needed light on the situation:
That ability to tell when things aren’t right is a blessing. It’s the Universe’s way of guiding you to something that fits better for you. If you didn’t have that you’d never move forward, never get out of your comfort zone, and never experience some of the greatest things life has to offer. That nagging feeling is there for a reason – it’s pushing you in the right direction.
The truth is, she’s right (yes mom, I said you’re right). Every time I’ve made a big move in my life it was spurred on by this feeling that there was a better place for me, that I had the capacity to experience even more happiness than I was already experiencing.
It’s not about failing to find happiness and beauty in the current moment, or looking outside for solutions to internal problems, it’s about allowing these feelings, something most people find as inconsequential – to serve as a guide to what should come next.
Out of all the things we strive to accomplish in our lives, I believe that nothing is more rewarding than experiencing a deeper sense of joy. The fact that we are able to discern between what will bring us closer to this state of being and what will take us further away – is amazing.
I still have that feeling of unrest, but instead of allowing it to represent what is currently lacking in my life, I’ll choose to see it as a guidance tool, a much needed and very clear indication that I have some really spectacular things waiting for me just around the corner...
Heartbreak...Possible loss of love, I was avoiding writing about this because the idea of ever feeling NEEDY, HEARTBROKEN, OR DEPENDANT, have all been emotions I've always run from, I prefer a dreamy life of constant happiness while you on the other hand have spent the majority of your life as an adult avoiding letting anyone love you. Well love in the strictly romantic sense. In the beginning, I don't know that it had all that much to do with rejection, but more fear of codependancy. Losing self reliance. Fear that LOVE would in fact find it's way to nuzzle in between you and your dreams and therefore work as a barrier. And to you, the ability to rely on self was enough. Until YOU decided to love, until you decided to BE that person "in love". To actually, fully, completely, be taken by another person and allow space between yourself and dreams, figuring that if it were real, nothing else mattered.
When it comes to our friendship it has always been love, because with friendship- it's unconditional. With romantic love, ideally, it should be unconditional...but there's a sense of fear in romatic relationships: fear of losing, fear or heartbreak, fear of disappointment, fear of losing yourself etc. With us, those fears aren't there...you know, no matter what, that you'll remain YOU, and I'll remain me...we'll always be two complete and WHOLE individuals, benefiting from one another rather than taking away from one another.
With fear involved the ability to rationalise, not become too needy, not worry yourself into sleepless nights or change yourself in order to "keep" someone, becomes a constant...out of fear of loss. Fear changes all logical thinking, whether is fear of losing or fear of commiting. Fear fixes an idea in your head, a pessimitic and stubborn idea. The road you're on , or the person you're with become fear's warped version.
Without communication, full, complete and honest communication and truth, it's difficult to know where one another stands. And that is where the fear sets in. And too often relationships come to an end from ill communication and worry.
So rather than letting romantic love....this magnificent emotion, just be, there's a desire to grip. So that you won't get hurt. So you won't have to experience loss. It isn't just a person you're losing but a significant piece of yourself, a you that only THEY know. An unfiltered, raw version of you. The you that is open and warm,without rules, without limitation on HOW MUCH to love, how much to give and wanting so badly, to be unconditional...and wanting them in turn, to be unconditionally in love with you.
With love there is risk. Ideally, all love should be received- realistically, it is not. So do you choose to avoid love? Regret it? No. Of course not.
You could become bitter, say f*ck that, not again. But I know you realise that it wouldn't serve you, in any way, it only makes the loss more painful. So are you hurt? Absolutely. Apprehensive about the future, about men? Absolutely. Do you have questions, do you wake up and say "what the fuuuuck??" every morning? Yep. You do. Do you wish things were different? YES. Do you wonder if there will ever, be anybody that will compare to him, make you FEEL that again? YES. Constantly. But, would you erase it...would you change all of that mixed up, ecstatic, hopeful, frenzied, confusing, sincere, uncenscored, and TREMENDOUS feelings, that was and is undoubtedly love? NO. You wouldn't change a thing. And though there's a piece, a whole large piece that he has, only he knows, and only he will ever know- I know you wouldn't ask for it back. I would only hope he would cherish it, recognise it. Unconditionally.
Wounds become scars and scars heal. And fear has no place next to love.