Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Who am I

We are all searching for our so cold destiny, all day everyday we wake up working towards what we hope is where we were meant to be, until we wake up one day and find that we are not yet there.  That which we had thought was our destiny, a job, a relationship, was actually a pitstop, a restroom break before riding on the bumpy bus again on a foggy road with no road signs ahead... Its  a unique human thing, the feeling that we havent found ourselves, that there's unfound area of ourselves that promises healing that promises happiness that promises satisfaction in its purest authentic form. Its almost as if we all have this pre notion of what satisfaction is, or even what reaching your destiny is,  we act like we have a manual for this machinery and we just keep installing it wrong without the option of sending it back to the manufacturer.

Like you have, Ive BEEN searching for myself, a new me for the past 35 years. You would think that with all this practise I'm closer to my answer, my destiny, if you will, but I couldn't be further even if I tried. My life feels like a web of confusion guilt regret and pain, lots and lots of pain tangled up into a knotted ball that would take years and tears to unrevel. I've learned to love this ball. this tangled web of mine, Ive learnt to protect it and give it a home in my heart, in my life. I cant live without it now, it is not just a part of me IT IS ME. I identify myself with it, Ive embraced it. It is mine and mine to keep. 

I am realising that I use social media to protect this ball, but I now kind of want it to develop to crawl and maybe finally walk, right out of my life. The very first thing I did was to disconnect, so that this ball stops sucking the life out of me. I feel like it feeds off me via social media, I sometimes write and post things Im not particularly proud of, the ball makes me do it, its not me , you see it has a persona of its own. I simply gave life to it. I spent too much time protecting it, its now behaving like a spoilt brat of a child, embarrassing me in public in the full view of other disaproving parents, only difference is I cant spank it like you would a child, all I can do is cut it off, cut off its blood supply. How you ask? By keeping off social media for a while. I want to discover who I am outside of the public personas I have created through my ball, I am not saying I will win that I wont falter but i do  hope it changes everything, I hope it rediscoveres me, I hope it helps towards finding myself, opening new doors, unexplored paths and hopefully closer to my destiny

Weight wise you would be happy to know that though still in the upper 80s I have maintained my weight so far, I promised to never go back to 100s to the 90s but this time to go down further, I might find myself in the 70s soon, who knows, now that Im shifting my daily focus, it gives me a platform to focus on things I've neglected for too long. Things like loving myself FIRST not acting like I  do, to love ME completely and selfishly and unpologetically. 

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