Saturday, July 26, 2014

What is growth?

As my birthday week passes on and I have gained another year in my badge of life, there are still parts of me that are waiting for that 'growth'. I'm not sure if I am just a young spirit that we always remain that way or is it my innate incapacity to allow growth that has left me in this position.

 I wonder if women who are over 32 actually feel grown and maybe it explains why a majority of my friends are a lot younger than I am. Funny enough it is only when I experience what they go through that's realise that growth might not be the number of years in existence on earth in as much as it's about physical experiences of life. I felt more growth in the past 2 years than any other time in my life, the experiences that sometimes made me angry and left me feeling like a little girl have actually grounded me into a certain woman....

In the ways that my heart is young and optimistic, accessible and open it has, as a Woman's does, acquired the necessary walls and carefully maintains the ones worth keeping. But in those walls, only a woman knows where the doors are and who is worth letting through. My gut, my instinct alerts like a woman.... it knows the difference between “right,” and “not right for me.” My heart, is no longer an empty room, with a "come one, come all" sign,  waiting to be filled with someone else’s stories, likes and dislikes that I'd hastily claim as my own in an attempt to keep them.

That heart vessel doesn't say "Unoccupied," waiting to be invaded like it had been before... It stays FULL and entertained while deliberately awaiting the arrival of one worth re-arranging "the things" for. As a result I am no longer as good in giving advise as I was before because keeping my thoughts into anyone's stories longer than my own has  been prohibited.

Unlike a Girl, I know that things take time. That nothing comes to full bloom in a day. I’ve relinquished the need to have all the answers, or to make you see things my way.  Unlike a Girl, I know what it feels like to try and fit a square peg into a round hole, but now, rather than attempting it, I see the pieces for what they are and let them be...

Unlike a Girl, I don’t wish to be lighter skinned, or taller. I don’t wish for my hair to be the way that hers are.  I don't even compare relationships.... I know that no one has it “better,” we each just have it “differently.” Unlike a Girl, I’m comfortable with transparency, even if you aren’t. That my words are only of value if they are genuine and without pretense.... that the interaction, relationships, contracts that say, or feel otherwise aren’t “mine....” and that’s okay.

Unlike a Girl, as a Woman I don’t look to be anyone else.... and the “exemplary examples” that I hold ideal, as Mentors I humbly acknowledge will and have made their own mistakes. That the only true guide you have is YOU. As a Woman, I find that power terrifyingly exhilarating....unlike a Girl, I’m prepared to harness, feed, listen to my own True North.

I’ve learned to identify closed ears and closed hearts. I've learned when to slow down, speed up, or just stop completely. As a Woman I’ve learned the power of graceful restraint, coming to know when what you ache to say is already spelled out, a woman learns to trust subtle knowingness. She learns that words are the smallest part of the whole, as fun as they are to play with.... play can be spared.

A Woman knows that despite everything, she will be alright. She knows the well of resilience and strength that resonates through her whole being, even when she can’t bear it...she can do anything.

As a woman I trust my ability to love selflessly and selfishly in equal measure, inward and outward.

While having grown as I say I have...I still need my Dad. I still want my Mom to like my outfits, guys to like how I look and hubby to think I'm hot. The parts about being a Girl worth keeping are there....they’re playful and raw, completely, softly discernable....

While ALL the years, the lessons, the introspection of a Woman exist, freely and proudly, I embody that which I've wanted to become..... and embrace that it's all still a process....

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