The pitfall interview

The rawness of my pain is so clearly, living, breathing on the surface of me. It is throbbing, it is accessible, it is conscious.

l find I am absolutely terrified of accepting the reality that either way,whether I torture myself or let it be, certain things in life are out of my short hands and that gripping onto anything will end up suffocating it.

I recently went on an interview that was going to escalate my career to another level with the clear hope that all will be well. I guess I never thought I would not get it because I have never attended an interview and not bagged the job. Success is so deeply embedded in me that I had grown a big head and I just could not see past not getting it. Failing was just not an option...

What the hell am I supposed to do when I fall down? Lay there in the dirt and hope I can find a long lost earring and that damn sock I've been looking for under the bed while everyone else steps over my defeated body and onto their LIVES?

I know that you cannot have it all in life yet I'm still struggling with reversing the thoughts that I've weaved into my DNA about what it actually means to want it all and to have it all, about what you have to sacrifice for career progression about what happiness looks like and if it exists at all especially in the political environment I work in. A place where your credentials are less in comparison to political alignment and preconceived connectivity, the superficial friendships which I simply do not posses?

I don't deserve any pity because I will try again- I try again because I am firm believer that WE are the ones who determine whether we're going to stay in on the ground, paralysed by disappointment and fear and regret, or get up and walk onto better opportunities and careers as people who have learnt our lessons, reinvented by our past pitfalls.

For now though I want to lay right here on my cold bathroom floor, in my despair, draped in my newly found victimhood. I want to eat unnecessary third helpings of food and chocolate.

I know that it will feel a little bit better in the morning.


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