Sometimes...

Sometimes I get scared to want something, because I worry I don’t have the persistence and dedication necessary to finish it. Like this weight loss mission I am on I worry that one morning it might bore me to the point of quitting , the degree I could not complete at the University of Natal until later on at UNISA not because I was stupid but dum (ok maybe both, thank God for second chances and Distance Learning concept)

Sometimes I care way too much about what people say or think about me, living by their rules, strenuously squeezing my restless soul within their limits.
Sometimes, the more and more I proclaim to have grown way past that notion, the more reminiscent it is, the more I am less confident about my significance, my relevance -everywhere in all the corners of my life at work amongst my peers at home as a daughter, sister, wife and mother.

Sometimes feeling insignificant is worse than anything I could think of.

Sometimes I care way too little when I actually should be reaching out to people I love, by not return that call even though I saw the missed call notification or just not pick up whilst its ringing and I simply watch it beeping away frantically just because I don't feel like talking to them that much.

Sometimes I get mad at myself because to this day, I do not know if marriage or kids or to settle down at the age of 23 is really what I wanted.

Sometimes I am so happy I feel I will burst as I feel the warmth of their love and affection and think, I am truly so blessed. Sometimes I pick a fight with my husband of 7 years knowing very well it's unnecessary or shout at my children for waking up too early disturbing my sleep and forcing them back to bed, and as the guilt starts flushing in, I wonder if this is part of what love and being happy is...is this it?

Sometimes I feel like I’m missing some sort of feminine gene, when I don't feel like wearing underwear, or even taking a bathing, when I don't want to wash dishes or tidy up my outrageously cluttered closet and would much rather sleep on my luxurious bed switch on my electric blanket and turn to E! TV channel all day without a care in the world.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m even capable of forgiving myself of my imperfections.

Sometimes I can’t decide if some of my rebellious decisions are made because I am selfish or is it that I’m scared of ever loosing my "freedom".

Sometimes I think it has nothing to do with fear at all, that it’s okay to be a a woman who does not conform to social standards, that my life should be definable by only my standards.

Sometimes I worry that I’ll never ever be satisfied and I’ll collect experiences; shoes; weaves; clothes; designer bags and travel stamps on my passport, till there is not enough space to store it all and yet I’ll be unfulfilled.

Sometimes I worry that, no matter what, I’ll never have enough money. Sometimes I worry I make so much money that I’ll lose sight of what’s really significant and important to me.

Sometimes I don’t know what’s important to me.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I think I look beautiful.

Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognise the reflection I have become over the years, who is that girl?

Sometimes I want to be alone and walk around the apartment in my underwear, singing bad and sexy Rihanna songs on repeat. Sometimes I repeat a certain song so much that I’m embarrassed for doing so.

Sometimes I don’t want to be alone, but I am alone anyways. Sometimes I’m lonely even when I’m surrounded by people.

Sometimes I’m not.

Sometimes I believe I’m capable of all the things I want to do.

Sometimes I worry that I’m too late.

Sometimes I worry I’m a living breathing cliche. Sometimes I beat myself up for being so unoriginal.

Sometimes I’m so vain that I can feel superior. Sometimes I use superiority as a defense mechanism.

Sometimes I think I have it all figured out. Sometimes I am so lost.

Sometimes I’m in the right place at the wrong time.Sometimes I am at the wrong place at the right time.

Sometimes I worry I’m not there at all.


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