Weight Indecency, confessions of an overweight girl: I know why the Teal ribbon chose Me

Have you ever waited for a result that you wished you did not have to face or get? Have you ever been stuck at the doctor's waiting room trying to psychologically asses his assistant's emotions and gestures as she flips through your medical file and getting it ready for you doctor's appt? You see her briefly reading through the Lancet Laboratory report and pause almost too long on what seems to be the result bar? Steals a look at you realises that you have been looking at her prying on your stuff all along - she quickly fakes an innocent "I did not see anything" smile....Have you? I know I have.

I wanted to reverse time back to when I did not know that I had to get the test done. Life seemed simpler then... and all the shit I had been complaining about in my life, seemed so worthless at that point in time. It's the scariest thing I've ever experienced, awaiting my Pap Smear test results, but I now know why the Teal ribbon chose / touched me.

Of all the diseases I could have gotten, I had to get the Human Papilloma Virus, sounds as deadly as HIV right? Well to me it seemed worse. The day I was diagnosed with HPV was the first time I actually realised that I am not invincible, that death does exist and just how scared I am of it.

You see the virus though treatable can lead to cervical cancer, the leading fatality rate for women over the age of 30. Having just joined the dirty 30s, And I in all my English twang, the well read, model C schooled girl from the urbanised Pietermaritzburg did not know anything about it, not a clue of it's existence on this earth.

I swallowed what seemed like stone hard saliva down my dry throat, tried to clear my throat over and over again and still this small croaky voice came out "Eeer, pardon me? I , I have human what?"

My plan to shop at least a quarter of my salary away at Gateway right after this appointment suddenly made no sense, as the doctor tried to explain what was going on in my cervix I just could not hear him. Something was drowning his speech into the background.

It was my turn to fake a smile as he told me confidently that all will be well. All will be well? Kanjani? Has he had abnormal cervical cells, i think not!!!!

I suddenly ran through a number of things, lots of petty and pertinent things, my dry cleaning I must remember to pick it up. Oh no! I can't drive myself back to Creighton I don't feel ok, my feet are numb, my hands are cold. I think I'm dizzy, am I dying right here and now, is this IT, the thing that will kill me?

And my funeral plan? I don't even know where my policy documents are, where is Sydney right now, damn him why did he not come to this appt with me? Wait.... did I even tell him that the Dr especially called me in for my results? Neh... I was thinking there's no way, why worry him over nothing, I could never be a statistic, well not with all the other wrong things that have happened in my life.... not this too, there is no way.

Wait I needed to spend more time with Neo and Nkhensi and finally and oh so suddenly a deep chest pain, numbness of my fingers, and am I dying? Already?

You never worry about death or think of our bodies being eaten away by diseases that only affect 1 in 8 people until someone makes you aware that SURPRISE !!!, you are actually the ONE! Being one in any disease statistics is just being ONE too many.

Everything stops and all you hear is the thumb of your heartbeat keeping whatever's left of you alive, the newly pointed disease biting away at you, at your very core so fast you may not even make it past the waiting room to the parking lot, because home is suddenly so far, far away.

Luckily for me this virus was caught early on, I can honestly say I am not a die hard fan of tests (no pun intended)... It was purely by chance that the Gynae insisted I get a Pap Smear nje. Just because I had made it all the way to his office for a better contraception option 3 years after the birth of my last born. What? Don't act like you are better off, my life seemed to busy for these seemingly stupid tests and things, I'm just not that good with "things" either than business deals and meetings.

My luck again, that I had a good medical aid, a brilliant gynae together with his team of medical staff, a wonderful hubby mommy and daddy to reassure me that I am simply a cry baby and I am not going anywhere anytime soon, a sad and sobby SMS to my best girlfriends and off I went to theatre for a good cervical clean out. By the Grace of God, through everyone's prayers, I'm alright now!

I worry that there are many more women like me who think, "that will never happen to me!", "what are the chances of being that one in eight?", "one in a hundred?"; "one in a million?" Truth is YOU can,and in a world of wikipedia and easy access to Google it's simply a shame and not acceptable to be the ONE and not know early on. There is so much info out there, it should be a crime to die of most known diseases. They say prevention is better than cure.

The one positive thing about this experience is the sudden realisation that Teal chose Me, I was that ONE in EIGHT, meaning I am a special chick, the ONE! What does this mean to me, you ask? It says that in the world of unpredictability and huge surprises, the Ripley's believe it or nots....I could maybe one day be one -in - a - million to win the Lotto, I mean I can't just be the chosen one for a dreaded diseases, and not have something to make up for my pain and sadness, the countless drama queen tears bringing a slow death to my well glued false lashes. There's gotta be a balance of emotions alright because to be frank, pain owes me big! Happiness has taken way too many rain cheques, and in all honesty it's time for payback. Powerball style!

The way I see it, mine is to simply keep alive enough to one day see it "the lotto" all come true. Mine is to obey, listen to my body and take adequate steps towards a healthier me. Elongate my existence to the max.

The down side is that my Dr warned me about the amount of loose fat on my tummy which he discovered during the surgery, if only he knew how much worse I was 3 months ago, he wouldn't talk, but still he says it's dangerous and has to go ASAP. He showed me the pics of my intestines and well, it's a fat mine in there, scary yellowish fatty deposit lining my tummy.

There is no easy way to melt it but the hard way. I still have a load to work through, painful as that is, it must be done. I am still weighing the same, keeping the same pace of exercise.

At this point it will seem that baby steps are simply no longer enough, I need to graduate to stiletto strides. This experience scared me enough to realise that living is actually the best thing I could ever do.

Take away all my stuff, and let me live, my soul purpose is to be alive and well with my loved ones. I am thankful that the TEAL ribbon chose ME allowing me to choose life and the responsibilities it certainly comes along with.

Seeing the good in Teal