Life is about living not just co existing

"The flower that follows the sun does so even in cloudy days”
~ Robert Leighton

Life is about living not just co existing. There are times when I become so frustrated with my life that I feel like a buck in the middle of a freeway; stuck despite the oncoming traffic, able only to stare at what's racing toward me. Work is crazy busy, with elections and the emotional immaturity; insecurities of councilors during this period. As the head of administrator I can't help but feel like I need to escape this, I know it's useless to run - although maybe not so useless to cry - and my heart sinks down into my chest with the knowledge that there is nothing to be done besides wait.

Life is just momentarily full of both too much and not enough. Too much work and not enough money. Too much responsibility and no one to step in and relieve me. An intense desire to for romance in my marriage which is slowly becoming boring and extremely dull. We have gotten to the stage where we know each other too much and there is very little if any to discover of each other. So what now? What's the next step leading to till death do us part, do lie there in our beautiful bed waiting for it? We love each other of course but bored still. The boredom of routine but not enough details in the plan to move on. A burning creative spark tempered by reality and rewrites.

Maybe I am clinically depressed. There's this deep, pulsating need to sob but I'm not sure what would be behind it. Maybe everything.I told you once before that I fear giving up on this quest or health mission. Everyday I psych myself up reminding myself of all the great reasons in the world to do this and yet it takes just one lousy reason to want to give up all over again. I am probably not the best motivator or champion for a weigh less campaign. I have too many obstacles, excuses and blatant laziness controlling my every effort to shed these kilos. I am a self sabotager. I simply have not loved myself enough to care about this as much as I did before, it could be the plateau that I reached so quickly. Maybe it's the added work frustrations keeping me wide awake at night.

Whatever it is, the human body knows when it hasn't received adequate love and attention, when there hasn't been enough nurturing touch, enough time to relax, ways to put the mind to sleep for a little bit. The human spirit also knows - we have to work harder at occasionally make decisions that seem like what we need but are really just what we think we need ( pasta dishes and ice cream for dinner, that shopping spree", and forget to inhale the beautiful, breathtaking knowledge that we are alive and well.

I'm doing my best to breathe.

To notice the little miracles that happen along my day's path.
To focus on the headlights speeding towards me and also on my happiness.

I'm trying.
And doing my best to forgive myself when my trying doesn't feel good enough.



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