This time, I got exactly what I deserve

The case of a really bad X. Why do they call? Every time I hear something from this particular one it's like pulling at the edges of a healing scab and each time it scars a little bit. It's like taking a fresh open wound and marinating myself in sea salt.

There's really no sensitive or kind and gentle way for someone to tell you that they are through that they stopped loving you enough. Loving you enough to continue working at your relationship, looking in your direction, reminding you that you were once adored and valued and made to feel like you were the only girl in the world. I suppose he could've been worse, he could have said something worse than, "We keep fighting about this issue, end, It's just exhausting, and it's no longer fun, it does not build me up."

You're right, it was probably exhausting towards the end, when you'd pulled so far away from me that I clung to the glimpses and bits of you that I still had, because I knew eventually those would be gone too. You're right, it was probably exhausting to sip a beer and ignore the cell phone while you were perched on your sofa at home, too worn to figure out how to send a simple text message letting me know you weren't dead while I would lay in bed all too familiar with the outline of where you should've been sleeping. You're right, you were probably exhausted. You were probably exhausted to see that when you were available for me for just a MOMENT, you were mostly talking me back down from a cliff one that you'd pushed me to, every time you stopped letting me in, meeting me halfway, meeting me at all. Every time your priorities, your dreams, your needs were put in front of mine, I stepped one step closer to the the deep end of us.... It was probably exhausting keeping me around when you stopped having a need for me in your life, you're right.

But there's one bit of that sentence that I really could not get and this is where your definition of "building up" and mine were radically different.

Did I not build you up with months of encouraging, supporting your dreams.....grabbing you by the shoulders when you needed a good talking to,when you were doubting your abilities and I'd look you in the eye and say, "I believe in you. You are not giving up.... " or I'd say, "Baby, everything is going to work out, you're amazing." Did it not build you up to give you a heart and an ear that weren't judging you, but listening, lovingly- did it not build you up to be the one thing that was always safe, steady, available and unyielding in my loyalty and belief in you?

If that's the definition of "not building you up" by taking everything I knew you wanted and saying, "HERE. HAVE IT." then I'm at a loss. I'm even at more loss as to why you bother now.


Maybe let me lay out just what exhausted ME......how about what didn't build ME up?

How about all of the times your plans trumped mine, your music, your career, your need to "be inspired" at the expense of me, your mood swings, your inability to communicate, your past, your fears of inadequacy and failure. It was exhausting cheering you on from the sidelines and being overlooked. It was exhausting to quiet that little voice inside my head that told me"something wasn't right...." and to nod along when you said, "Baby, I'll never leave you- you can trust me, I'll love you forever."...it was exhausting knowing that you were only going to mean that as long as it was convenient for you.

I know you're aware that everything happens for a reason because in all honesty you didn't have "what it takes to support the woman I turn out to be everyday and that you are not and never would have been good for me and I appreciate that admission. But really, all of this wasn't about ME....it was about YOU.

This time around I found what will builds ME up.....the man I'm with does not look at caring for me as a "chore." I don't need to beg him to take me anywhere. I never need to worry that his eyes are wandering in the direction of other women's hearts and beds. This time around I'm built up by a man who has a foundation strong enough for me to stand on- one that he's proud of, made up that of hard work, honesty, passion, loyalty, motivation,follow through and deep kindness. But where the "real stuff" is, the stuff that matters- he is able to see, he is able to recognise what "wonderful" really means in his life and it isn't measured by what he can get out of the relationship but it is made up of his family, his LOVE, the way he LIVES and his character.

This time around, I do not spend all of my time doing hard labuor to build him up, we both, work together building each other up with affection, stability. This time around, I got exactly what I deserved and that's not YOU!









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