Giving it all up and away

I’m scared of being lonely, of wanting something that may not be as great as it is in my head, of leaving things and people behind, and of searching for something that I may never understand or find. I’ve given away close to 80% of my belongings and plan on condensing my entire life into a carry-on suitcase of my new dress size because I won't be this size for too long anyway, which, for me, will be both redemptive and incredibly difficult. I think, partly, the decision to part with my size 42s and XXLs was horrific to make because I’m scared of failing and finding myself back at size 42 without a shred of clothing in that size to wear. I still get to the shop and pick the XXL or the biggest size on the rail only to find that it does not fit anymore and hangs loosely around my shoulders.

So as you can gather I have a laundry list of reasons why I shouldn’t do this with only one reason as to why I should: I need to. Finding myself with newly bought Woolies underwear that I couldn't wear because they were at least 2 sizes too big proved to that I needed to exhaust all my "I am fat" efforts in pursuit of the best life possible. To be confident in my new size, to be sure of my success.I need to run, quickly, away from my comfort zone and straight into the heart of uncertainty and experiences that I’ll carry around with me forever.

So, there it is. I’m just going to publish this post, because seriously, at some point, I needed to blog about this. This new found low self esteem of my weight loss had become a thing and I’m not good with things that become a thing. You know?

Let it drum into my head. I am a size 38 /36 depending on the style of clothing. I am heading to a full 36 and I should be proud and certain that I am not going back!