My name is Mmabs. Mmabs, a shortened version of my real name given to me by my mother (Mmabatho). Mmabs was and is still affectionately used by those who love me most. They loved me so much they found my real name too long and boring actually, they said Mmabs will do for this cutie pie. So to me, Mmabs is a name that is a representation of love, for the genuine love I have felt from my friends, the love that I constantly failed to show myself until now.
The last few weeks of weight shedding have been a combination of feelings (bittersweetness nostalgia, cheerfulness) and celebrations with you. A roller-coaster journey of figuring out what I need and don't need in my life right now. Excessive food (out) Water (in) Vitamins (in) Veggies (in without a doubt ) sweets and bread buttered with people who can see their life without you in it (chuck out; chuck out; chuck out).
I've been reintroducing myself to Mmabs, ME almost to the point of vanity. The mirrors (yeah mirrors) in my bedroom must be tired of me right about me, twisting and turning around and around checking out my melting curves...inch by inch.
Funny how its only now that I feel they are a true reflection of me and are to be trusted. All along I was thinking "these damn mirrors are so pathetic, no way I'm that big, they must have added 5 or maybe 10 kgs, i must change them soon" now I'm saying "oh yeah this is the real me,WOW, this is for real, oh hello there...Mmabs"
I love dancing but have never been able to dance , now I am (drum roll please) in a dance class! I say, Mmabs remember how much you like swimming? Do that! And just like that I do it! That idea that's been sitting in your pretty head for far too long, well do something about it right this moment girl, this is YOUR world.
Words of willpower and strength are like default phrases that just keep spilling out of my mouth, perpetuating this army soldier within me, ready and steady for anything life could give or throw my way. I am ready to receive (me), to grow (me) to enjoy (me) in the best way possible not only for myself but for those who have to spend time around me.
You can only make excuses for why you're the way you are for so long before people stop listening to you. Eventually you have to face up to your insecurities, not just of body image or physical appearance, inward emotional issues too that have probably been building up and stayed glued within you for too long. Sabotaging your every move, causing reversible and irreversible self destruction.
A recent inward reflection of the girl behind the mask, reveals too much time was spent doing the wrong things those elongated pitstops at wrong turns. I was draining myself, the human version of a wet mop, always moping around feeling sorry for myself, weighting on so many things so much so that I could barely lift myself up. Excusing "Spoiling myself rotten", why? Well because I deserved it, I deserve that cake I deserve the second or fourth spoon of rice I deserve that chocolate I deserve it! Yes I deserve it! I deserve spoiling myself rotten! I deserved spoiling myself rotten?
I scrolled through old blog posts when I first started getting serious about getting zipped off this fat suite and thought ...eeeuw I don't like her much, did she really post that? I hate her (me) weeping all over this internet space for crying out loud in a bucket full of fat!
I pulled myself out of that mode and wallla.... I found ME again, just when I thought the me I knew was the only me that was, the me I would remain to be till death do ME part.
I need to start speaking to my "Self" with the same intent as an icy bucket of cold water to my body on a winter morning. Say, snap out of it, each time I feel like giving up, when I feel like saying screw this SHIT I'm done, OKAY! A little voice to say u r the SHIT Mmabs you are the conquerer, the greatest warrior in weight loss that ever lived. I love you precious one. Your name will be remembered as that one that gave inspiration to the tired and demotivated.
Considering my body is still in dire need of attention and needs to "get it together"- keep it lost (30 kgs to be precise). I have decided that when I get the heads up from my much hated Dr. I will put this soldier in bootcamp and hit that 80kg mark. Who's to say it's impossible? In the words of Rihanna "I'm so HARD"!
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