My sexual harassment story Part1: I still remember the cracks of my 3 year old self.

I believe that my parents have always done their best to ensure that we grew up in a loving and protected environment but like every parent they too made mistakes overlooked certain things. Even a "perfect" childhood has cracks in it, but is there such a thing as a perfect childhood and what do we measure it against. My first big crack took place to my 3 year old self. It still brings me to tears, so let me take a deep breath because I really want to let you know that...

I grew up in a 4 room house in Edendale, which I drove past recently to pick up a dress my bestfriend got for Nkhensani's 3rd birthday. As I drove past there I suddenly thought of myself as a little 3 year old girl and how I could still remember a series of events that took place in and around me at that tender age. Looking at my 3 year baby girl now, it seems surprising that she will remember highlights of her life as a 3 year old that could change and shape her forever. I then made a promise to myself to always be aware and alert and do all that I can to ensure that her memories as a 3 year old girl do not involve sexual harassment. Yes. I was sexually abused (a number of times) but it started when I was only 3.

We were a family of 3 then. My mom worked as a teacher at Amakholwa High School my dad worked as a General Assistant at a book store in PMB called Via Africa. My mother called in the help of her elder niece to come and look after me as my nanny. I cannot say that I remember anything about her caregiving except that I took care of her sexual desires and needs daily.

I will be frank with you so if you are sensitive , this would be your moment to stop reading. It started out this way, she would take my hand and slide it up and down her pubic area until it actually reached her vagina, as you can imagine I had no idea what it is I was doing, she told me that she was sad and this made her feel better...so I did it day in and day out, she would take my hand to her area and firmly direct it to her pleasure zones.

I guess in the days that followed these actions were no longer fulfilling and gratifying enough because in weeks that passed I graduated into kissing and fondling her vagina, it happened so suddenly, the shoving of my head down a pit of filth. She told me I needed to lick her, in ways in which she directed me to, slowly first that at a faster pace until she came on my mouth. Till this day I can still smell the musk, the heat coming from her vagina and the heartbeat of a 3 year old girl who didn't even know what in the world she was being made to do.

She used to tell me that I was a naughty girl and that she was angry with me, and so was my mom and if I did this I won't get into trouble, she won't tell my mom that I have not finished my food; that I broke a glass; that I left my toys in a mess... I obliged, I "thrilled" her over and over again.

I never told my parents of this abuse until last year. I don't think I knew what all of that was about until later on in my years. And when I did know I was too scared and ashamed to let them know about it. I thought they would think that I had an over active imagination, but when I was more confident as a person, as a new mom I realised that such a thing should have never taken place, that I was too small and helpless to cry for help, that I did not deserve for this to have happen to me. No 3 year old 6 year old, any child regardless of gender should be subjected to this.

I don't remember the intricate details, only that she had a fall out with my mother and had to suddenly leave, I was 3 but I remember the mood and the temperature of the day she left. I stood in the corner of the house and peeked through as she walked out the gate onto the road with her suitcase. I remember that she did not say goodbye to me. I remember that I was happy and strangely relieved that she was going away.

I know that as a parent you cannot always be there for your child, I don't blame my parents at all how could they have really known and I had to just let them know, so they stay knowing of what occurred but also so that it frees me from the guilt of carrying it around me for so long. It was too long. It is the reason why till this day I cannot really perform oral sex, I don't associate it with love and affection and why going down on anyone reminds me of that musky smell I once had to lick off. To make things worse. I later learnt that she was not the cleanest of people, that she had to be reminded to get a wash as she constantly stank.

This lady is now a grown up woman, grown enough to face up to my confrontation, but even if she wasn't why do I care? She was already grown enough to use and abuse me, wasn't she?

I think she thinks I was too small that's it's a long lost memory. It's not and it has affected the person I grew up to be in my intimate relationships. I dont think she is worth me taking petrol and driving down to Hammarsdale but when I visit my grandma's house I will see her especially to tell her that I remember, that I was a little girl innocent and helpless and she took full advantage of me. She was my care giver who did no such thing and instead used me for her own sexual pleasure.

Yes I am ready and needless to say (the sexual abuse) did not only end with her, but she created the path that led to another case of sexual abuse but that's for another day, this crack is all i can take for today its enough for me to write for you and for me right now .... Let's protect and guard our children let us be constantly alert and aware of the small changes.


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