Food. Weight.
As you well know this has been one of my struggles for a very long time.
Its no longer something that bites and scratches at my days and I do nothing about it. It's no longer making me resent my friends and try to prove my worth by countless expensive gifting (so they think their bodies are better than me huh?I'll show them my money! *I hide now* but true-story) , it's no longer so consuming - but it's still there... Waiting by my mirror. Perched on my refrigerator. Running along beside me each time my sneakered foot hits the sidewalk or the treadmill. I have a feeling it will never truly leave. It latched itself too deeply inside years ago and so I spend time each day doing what I can to tame it, pet it into an idle sleep, and then learn to laugh at what it looks like.
Seeing me, it might make sense. I am 87- 90 kgs depending on which scale I use on this short body frame. I now spend more than an hour at the gym 5 times a week at most, I am trying. But there are things you can't see that I can. Things I've been seeing and experiencing all my life, since childhood.
Things that made it almost impossible for me to stop eating excessively.
Whilst I am going through this I see you too, how my struggles are so similar to yours. I feel you, we all have flaws. Something drives me to continuously write you. It's not about me, it's about your stories too, our common interest. I have come across many friends who are also struggling with weight, they too are surprised by the weight I've lost so far because it's visibly on my face, and the newly shaping waist line. Whenever they tell me of their struggles, what they're eating or not eating, I cut our conversation short and say "let's not dwell on what you're eating and how you're eating it, let's talk about what's eating you and how it's eating you?"
So many of us show significant signs of emotional obesity. I needed to discover why I have this need to be fat. Recalling my life stories especially those uncomfortable,untapped and sorrowful ones that open old wounds - tell me who I am where I've been and possibly where it is I'm going. Writing is what I love to do most so this blog cleanses me like fresh falling rain soaking my heart allowing me to be vulnerable, deal with the buried emotions of the past and present, therapy at it's best.
Everyday, I learn to love my body a little more. With every push-up I finish, every meal I lovingly prepare, every bite I ask myself to chew slowly, I learn that this body is everything I could have asked for, no matter the scars or the cellulite. And when I struggle, when I sense a familiar presence jabbing my stomach or comparing me to a naturally thin woman who has legs up to my head, I hold my breathe for a couple of seconds and exhale, and I patiently remind my forgetful soul that this body is all I have. So we better adore it, safeguard it for all it's worth.
I can't wait to write an entry months down the line the encounters of shedding weight not only physically but shedding emotional weight as well - taking me beyond what I could see in my mirrors. I have a feeling, that of all my life stories, the story of how I regained power over my struggles with weight with thriumphic music and sweet celebration, the debut excitement of knowing that my work is done, the clouds under my feet, telling you about my homecoming glory will no doubt be my favourite story by far...
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
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