I was expelled from Laddsworth Primary School at the tender age of 11 for stealing money out of a teacher's purse. My parents (poor souls) were devastated, confused as to what was the problem with me not to mention highly embarassed - coincidentally they found out the very same day that they still owed a whole year's school fees even though mom had been giving me R300 at the end of each month to make payments at school. I used it all, every cent to appease my school mates so they could play with me. I was the first black child to attend the school in Hilton, it was 1992 and a great privilledge to be attend a "white" school. Being in a new environment was not only scary but the children were not welcoming either. I remember my first day, a week after school had begun I was a nervous wreck. Not only was it akward to walk in when everyone had made friends but the teacher asked the class to have a show of hands on who wanted to share a desk with me and ..........dead silence. Clearly no one wanted to sit next to the akward looking black girl with a shaven head and kids dont lie and pretend. I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me and that day it did - I was never the same again. I soon realised that the children at school like fancy toys and sweets so I started buying love using my tuck money, soon word spread that I was the nicest girl at school and gained more friends - thats when I started to use my taxi fare to maintain all these friends with sweets and toys, I would tell my parents that my bus fare keeps being stolen from me and they would have to make a plan on getting me money to school just so I could get home. Once my parents caught on to me I would ask people in town at the Capital Towers Pickn Pay in PMB and the adults walking about will feel sorry for this child with no money to get home. Once I got tired of that I started taking money out of mom's purse; the neighbour's purse, this led to a severe and very memorable whipping from both my parents. As if that were not enough I started to steal from Mrs Kleinhuns and that's when it spun out of control by then I was known as the richest kid at school, the kids were fighting over who was my best friend, I even a white boyfriend named Joshua until I was caught and expelled. Clearly I had a serious problem not only with stealing but my reasons for it. The stealing stopped, but not the giving, I am telling you this because I now believe it is still my problem today - it links so directly to the struggles I still have as an adult, never thinking I am enough to be loved as I am, always feeling inadequate, obsque, not quite fitting in. By virtue of that I find myself always spending my hard earned money gifting people who probably do not deserve my love and attention so that they, like the kids at Laddsworth Primary could learn to love and accept me. The fact that I am writting about this shows that I have identified the problem and I am working at it, I have realised that its not how expensive the gift is but how thoughtful it is. That saying NO I cannot help you is not a bad thing, that not giving does not translate to not loving. I recently learnt that I give not because I am generous but because I am selfish and want peole to be dependent on me so they can always keep me close. I have decided to be selfish towards me, and give to myself the gift of a healthy body; to love me more by sticking to an exercise regime instead of rushing to take everyone out on dinner. I know that it will take the receipents of gifts and money some time to get used to the idea of not getting anything from me, I am already experiencing the neglect from some people and some family members; I am experiencing the withdrawal symptoms, you see it now means they must love me for me - regardless of the benefits. I can now do 100 sit ups a day, my tummy is still out of shape but it is getting hard and strong, as strong as my personality is becoming each and everyday.
Loving your blog!
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