Whenever I get the chance I steal his phone, just when he sleeps and starts snoring away and I know he cannot possibly wake up. I feel I need to, I have to know if he is cheating or intending to or flirting with someone besides myself. So I move to the cold bathroom incase the keypad tones are loud and might wake him and get me caught out. I take a deep breath and prepare myself for whatever I might find or play through how it has to go in the worst case scenario with his iPhone tightly held in my sweaty hands. A sort of calm reserve to the way things might or could unfold. A strong upfront, a quiet surrender. Imagining how I will walk out of it with my chin held high wearing something that skims over my booty just right as I walk off and ... Definitely no tears. I play it all out. I find nothing. Then I don't know if I'm relieved that he is being presumably faithful or ashamed that I'm still doing this 3 years later.
It's exhausting to live this way but after the deepest hurt I ever experienced, I can't help it. I did the therapy thing but still no resolve. I have forgiven but I can't forget I can't trust in the same way. I have become someone I never used to be, insecure, a need to constantly feel validated since he cheated on me.
In the wake of everything, when my senses are back on solid ground I realise that it was egotistical persona he harmed more than my heart, the dented picture perfect couple image that I can never fix, what everybody was saying then and now...
Yes he cheated on me but it's no excuse to cheat myself out of a good love and marriage experience. Over above his big mistake, he does give me really good love. He is a wonderful man and father to our kids and all he wants is to move on from this and he has proven over and over again that our marriage was worth fighting for. If truth be told I'm not so pure either so I have got to get my act together.
What is it that that you are clinging to? Whatever it is it's going to cheat you out of the best life possible. I'm known for saying that everything even the bad that happens to us, happens for a reason. To teach us something. Let us take the lessons in. TRUST THE UNIVERSE. You are wonderful and deserving of the best life possible. Its hard to hear I know especially if you, like me you are lodged so far up insecurity's stinky ass.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
shame you really have grown to become one fo the most amazing woman I know. Your strenght and honesty about real life challenges that faces most of us as women, is truly a blessing. This is therapy for some people without even knowing it. Big up
ReplyDeleteThanks Wendz!
ReplyDelete