Mood Swings

Many a time I hear people say they work out because it keeps them clear headed fresh and ready to face the challenges of the world. That is usually an after effect for me, during the workouts I am in such a bad mood. This morning my son saw me on the treadmill and got super excited and started to try climbing on with me, I shouted at him to stop it and kicked him out the home gym. A few minutes later he had forgotten that I chased him out and returned to show me a car magazine which had a picture of the BMW 5 series in silver (similar to the one I drive)- you see he is only 3 and children forget the negative things so easily - but I chased him out again and this time the tone of my voice was a little more aggressive so that he gets the point which he eventually did. My point is I am in the worst of moods when working out; I dont want people peeping over cheering me on; I dont want to be looked at even if it is by my adorable son. Being overweight comes with a certain amount of pain but it is more bearable than the physical pain of exercising. My heart beats so fast I feel I cant breathe; my breasts cannot take the throbbing pain of being jiggled playing marry - go- round in my regular bra and I am yet to find a size 42DD sports bra (yes a 42 Double D :-o) all in all my body muscles scream for release from this self inflicted torture. I start to question if it is necessary I mean SHIT really is it? But once I have gone past the first 15 minutes my body feels warm and comfortable and it becomes almost too easy to carry on until I get to the the last 15 minutes...and then its like time stops - literally! You look at the timer and its still on the same minute it was the last time you looked (which seems to be just ages ago) and you want to scream and curse somebody - and this morning my son walked in on my last 15 minutes*** TWICE!!! When it was through I should have been feeling proud of my hour power walk but that was overshadowed by the guilt of chasing Neo away, who by then sat there looking confused as I started to apologise and explain my outburst. As always when leaving for work he ran to hug and kiss me goodbye - because he is only 3 and children move on quickly from a sad episode. Or is it that children are far more intelligent than we would like to believe? I dont know but I hope he knows that I love him and that he means far more to me than this goal of loosing weight. This morning my mood swings made me forget that he does. I aknowledge that there is no excuse for acting the way I did. I am sitting in my office having a crappy day as a result, I dont feel the energy, my head is not clear and I am not ready to conquer the challenges of the world, at least this morning. What is the meaning of it all if I chase the ones I love the most away.